Posts tagged relationships
Posts tagged relationships
story of my life. fucking long distance.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day!
RIP Society of the Day: Not content with cornering the pizza party market, Pizza Hut has set its sights on the proposal party set too.
For $10,010, Pizza Hut will provide you with all the trimmings necessary for just a really classy way to kickstart an engagement: A ruby engagement ring, a bouquet of flowers, a personal fireworks display, a professional photographer and videographer, and, of course, a $10 Pizza Hut Dinner Box complete with a one-topping pan pizza, five breadsticks with marinara sauce, and 10 cinnamon sticks with icing in a cup for dippin’. Last but certainly far from least: A limo to take you to the Pizza Hut of your choice.
Like I said: Just really classy stuff.
You’re going to want to act fast, though: Pizza Hut has only made 10 “Perfect Proposal” packages available. For the love of God — hurry.
So a friend of mine has a creeper. We were talking about it a while ago and discussed methods in which to shake the creeper. I assume she came to me because we’re fairly close, and she knows that I have dated around (I was a man-eater, not a hooker. Respect the game). When I was single (read: I am not anymore) I had some pretty solid game, if I don’t say so myself. Often times, I knew how to play and get what I want. I still do this in everyday life, just for little things (case in point, I got a free soda at Carl’s Jr. when I was there for lunch and due to talking about makeup to a cashier) but it’s all harmless fun. Anyways, I digress.
The point of this post is to give you darlings advice on how to shake the creepers. I had them, I know them, and occasionally, I am one (just ask this guy). Here’s what strategies/moves have worked for me, and hopefully will work for you!
I learned this from one of my first boyfriends! It is subtle, it is painless (for you), and is fairly cheap. The technique is to simply disappear. You start by ignoring calls and then not calling back. You stop returning texts. You set them to limited profile. The key to this is to do this gradually. By doing this gradually, it allows for space to return (aka, booty call) in the future. The gradual distance is what separates this from The Cold Turkey (below). By slowly doing this, you can make them not even realize you are backing away slowly. If they are super hardcore, you have to fade extremely slow or you will end up with someone on your doorstep demanding an explanation (more on that later). But what you do is you slowly back out of their life, and start to busy yourself (move on) and the transition will be easy.
Testimonial: As stated, I learned this early on from a boyfriend. He didn’t have a cell phone (in 2006!), so that aspect was already out. We were on myspace, but he moved over to facebook and disappeared online. The phone calls went from low to non-existent (seeing as I didn’t want to call his house all the time, and he was not a ‘phone’ guy), and we just stopped hanging out. He also happened to be 18 when I was 15, so there’s no hard feelings on that breakup. I assume it was partially for legal reasons. We’re cool, but we don’t talk and I haven’t seen him in years. Well played, sir.
The Cold Turkey
This is the more drastic version of The Fade. Instead of gradually weening your creep off of you, you disappear. You skip limited profile and go straight to un-friending. You call your phone company and get them to block all incoming calls and texts from their number. You block them online. You basically delete them out of your life. Now, this usually makes things messy. Also, you have to consider their personality. Some people will try for a few days, get the hint, then move on. Some people will only try harder and stalk the shit out of you. You need to read them before you do this (it has a good chance of blowing up in your face). You really have to asses the situation and make sure this is appropriate.
Testimonial: I have tried this a few times. It worked when I was 17 with this guy I was dating who literally started sobbing when I broke up with him. I was rolling really hard and started laughing, then climbed a tree. After three days of silence, he gave up and moved on. I have found that guys who are more emotionally unstable tend to move on more quickly, once they’ve decided they can move on. He told me he loved me a few days in (which is why I snorted a pill, then promptly broke up with him), so I assumed he was the right kind of guy to use this on. I broke up, he tried to stop me, I ran and disappeared. Totally worked.
However, some guys are incredibly persistent and don’t get the hint. If they creep for longer than 5 days or so after implementing The Cold Turkey, I would suggest something more drastic.
The Trade Up
This is a follow up to The Cold Turkey or to The Fade, and a personal favorite of mine. Basically, after ditching the creep, to encourage moving on, you flaunt a new flame around to encourage moving on. You rebound, but you make sure you do it better. You find someone in better shape who dresses better and you make it public enough so that your creep will hate themselves and get over you. Yes, it’s petty, but it works.
Testimonial: I heard from reliable friends that an ex was running his mouth about how easy it would be to get me back. I responded by dating a guy who was in an Abercrombie and Fitch ad (Not fucking with you, he was in their Winter ‘06 campaign) and making it known. That lasted like, two weeks, but I walked away because he was annoying. He didn’t get anything out of me (I hugged him and let him kiss me on the cheek, thats as far as he got) but it was simply for bragging rights. That move promptly shut him up.
Ah, a melodramatic favorite. This would include throwing their shit out of a window (like in movies and Kelly Clarkson videos), throwing food, or any form of throwing really. You basically cause a scene, and get as crazy and wild as you possibly can, driving (i.e., scaring) them away. It is excessive, and should be used if you are comfortable with this guy thinking you are batshit crazy (something I have come to terms with). I would suggest throwing things from a safe distance and screaming obscenities.
Testimonial: At my senior prom, I threw a drink and screamed “Assface!” at the top of my lungs. I won’t explain that one any further.
The Confuse Method
This is not meant to be homophobic or offensive, but it does work. This is mostly for the creepers who are more sexual. It is where they come off sexually, and you aggressively imply that they cannot please you. Small dick jokes are cheap, I suggest stepping your game up. Refer to testimonial.
Testimonial: So after using The Fade on a guy (let’s call him R), he magically reappeared and started texting me all the time. I would never text back. This would not deter him. Like fucking clockwork, I would get texts in the morning saying ‘good morning’ then texts between one and five asking ‘whats up’. One night, after about a week of this, he was feeling randy. He started telling me exactly what he wanted to do to me (which was frankly, a little unoriginal). Annoyed and not in the least bit horny, I simply stated that he could not fulfill my fantasies or give me what he wants. He responded by telling me how he lays it down, how he wants to touch me, blah blah blah. I responded in VIVID detail how I wanted to go down on a girl and how I just wasn’t down for cock anymore. I have not heard from him since.
Now, I want to specify that this should be only used under extreme circumstances, and only in self defense. However, I am including it because if you are in a situation where this is your safest option, go for it. The Throwdown means you fight. It does get your point across, but please read my testimonial to realize when it is acceptable to use.
Testimonial: I have had to use this twice. I’m going with the story that has the least amount of back story. Again, this is one of the acceptable times to hit someone. So I was going out with this guy I had just met. We’re going to call him P. So P picked me up and said we were going to some restaurant out in Danville (probably around 30-ish minutes away from where I lived at the time). So we get out somewhere in Danville, and area I am not very familiar with. Keep in mind, this is a first date, we hadn’t hooked up previously, and had basically not touched. He’s driving and puts his arm around my chair (some people drive like that to look cool, I wasn’t worried). Then he puts his arm around my shoulders. I look over, thinking he’s trying to be cute. Then he proceeds to grab my neck, drive through a suburban area, and told me to grab his cock. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. He begins to grab my neck harder. Ok, so when I am in situations where I am physically threatened, I panic and I get aggressive. So as his hand tightens around my neck I swing at him and hit him in the side of the head and side swipe him right in the mouth and wiggle around trying to get him to pull over. He ended up smacking me in the neck (trying to smack me in the face) and I jumped out of his car as soon as I could. I ended up stranded in Danville and called a friend I trusted to come and get me. Anyways, I really hope someone learns from this and knows that if you can protect yourself, you should. Sometimes it takes something drastic like this, and it may not necessarily fit in with this completely, but I really want you guys to know you shouldn’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and throw down if need be. You have my support, and if you need me to, I’ll roll out to you and kick some ass for you. I got your back.
I hope this helps my darlings!
I recently stayed at my parent’s house over Thanksgiving (I moved about 300 miles away on my own). They have had the same house basically since I was born, and I have had the same room my whole life. Upon hunting through all my shit for booze (I have a stash of 4loko somewhere in there that I plan on selling once it’s completely banned) and cute clothes that I had forgotten about, I found something wonderful.
What I found was a list of things that I wanted in a man, written when I was roughly twelve years old.
Let me preface by saying when I was 12, I had kissed one boy (scandal!) and had already been initiated into the wonderful world of smoking weed and drinking whiskey. Keep that in mind.
I tried to scan it, but sadly mechanical pencil I used faded too much, so here’s a clean copy. I’m only posting this because I love you. And the things that I found desirable at the age of 12 is wildly amusing. Judge me all you want. I am.
What 12 year old Andrea wanted in a man:
1. Hung like a Christmas ornament (At that age, what would I do with it?! Also, at that age, why was I talking like that?! Why is this first?!)
2. Can sing (I also discovered musicians around this age)
3. Taller than me (Still applies)
4. Not fat (Still applies)
5. H-O-T (Still applies)
6. Pretty eyes
7. Nice teeth
8. Can cook (Total panty dropper to this day)
9. Not hairy (My, how things change…)
10. Can blow smoke rings (Really?)
11. Burns me mix cd’s
12. Isn’t touchy in public (That changed!)
13. Good job where he makes money (…I was such a hooker)
14. Nice arms (Still a turn on)
15. Good driver
16. Good between the sheets (Still a turn on)
17. Smells good
18. Can hold his booze
19. Likes to party (…Seriously?)
20. Smart (FINALLY)
21. Funny (Still a turn on)
22. Faithful (Finally getting some shit right, go little me!)
23. Nice hair
24. Doesn’t dress like shit
25. Doesn’t say ‘heck’
26. Liked by my friends
27. Doesn’t check out other girls (Amen)
28. Isn’t touchy with other girls (Could be grouped with above)
29. Sexy hip muscles (I think I meant those muscle lines that develop on your hip that point down to your crotch)
30. Likes to go on adventures
31. Pays when we go out
32. Showers every day
33. Can skateboard (I was TWELVE. Shut up)
34. Likes the same ice cream as me
35. Likes pizza (Yeah, cause that’s so hard to find in a man…)
36. Will do my homework for me (Such a hooker.)
37. Smells nice (Yes, it’s on twice, but that makes it funny. Stupid pre-teen me.)
38. Can dance (Really?)
39. Committed to me (AWWWWW)
40. Wants to take care of me
41. Good kisser (Is that a more specified version of the above?)
42. Will sing love songs to me (Still a turn on)
43. Good sense of humor
44. Nice skin
45. Tattoos (Still a turn on… *sigh*)
46. Looks good in pictures (Yeah, because that means he’s a good boyfriend)
47. Smokes weed (Another sign of a good boyfriend)
48. Romantic (Really? Smokes weed and likes pizza beat out ROMANCE?!)
50. Passionate (Always. Will always be sexy. Passion about life, love, whatever. It’s just a turn on.)
51. Short nails
52. Will treat me well (Why isn’t this at least top ten?)
53. Gets me candy
54. Inside jokes (Duh)
55. Likes animals
56. Surprises me (Hopefully in the good way, not in the ‘by the way, I’ve been fucking someone else’ way.)
57. Likes cupcakes (Priorities.)
And that, my friends is what it took to catch my attention when I was 12. As you may infer, I was a horny, shallow, hooker. I literally have no idea what the fuck I was thinking.
It has been around eight year since that (if you can’t do the math, I’m twenty), and the list has DRASTICALLY changed. I’ve since learned that you should not base your boyfriends on whether or not they can skateboard.